Broken in Bed-Stuy
- sheamkay
- Oct 17, 2022
- 7 min read
(A reflection on love)
A year ago I was boarding a plane to visit New York City for the first time.
A backpack filled to the brim to spend four days exploring with my (now ex) partner and his friend.
My first real vacation since February 2020, when we had visited Portland for Valentine's Day.
I was anxious, excited, and stressed. The typical mixture of emotions I assume everyone feels when they travel. Especially when flying.
My mind and heart are racing as my ex's father drives us to the airport.
Are all of our bags the correct size to have as a carry on?
They were.
But of course I paid extra to have mine become a checked bag once I talked to the service desk agent, and proceeded to throw everything I could possible need into a small fannypack.
What if our seats are already taken?
They weren't.
I know airlines tend to overbook flights, but it didn't happen to us. Thankfully.
Granted, it was a red-eye at like 1am.
But then again, the ticket was practically half the usual price due to the pandemic, so...
Apart from the million scenarios running through my mind, I was constantly checking the flight status on the screen via the seat in front of me.
Flight overview. Click. Map. Click. Current Location. Click.
Nevada. Utah. SLEEP (2-ish hours). Colorado. SLEEP (2-ish hours). Nebraska. SLEEP (1 hour?) Iowa. Pennsylvania. New York.
(sigh) Finally. We made it.
My childhood dream of visiting this wonderous, bustling city has become reality.
This is my main character moment.
My "to-do" list consists of:
American Museum of Natural History
Central Park
Dumbo
Katz Deli
Coney Island
Greenwich Village
SOHO (South of Houston Street)
LES (Lower East Side)
Redhook
Apart from being very much jetlagged (but in complete denial) and it still being almost 80 in October, I was ready. So long as I could keep my eyes open and not pass out.
HUGE. FAIL.
I may not remember all of the exhibits I saw in the museum, I do remember sitting on a bench and closing my eyes. For way too long. I felt really warm and sweaty, as if I had been drinking all day and was now dealing with a hangover.
1. Museum of Natural History
Time to leave and maybe take a quick nap in Central Park.
Okay, maybe a "quick nap" was the wrong term. More like two hours of laying curled up on the grass with my sweatshirt and backpack as a blanket and pillow.
2. Central Park
Well, at least my "to-do" list is a bit smaller.
Now to test out the subway system..
Okay, it's really not that difficult since they have an app "MyTransit NYC" now.
Thank God for technology!
NEXT STOP - BROOKLYN.
More specifically Bed-Stuy to check into our airbnb and to relax before we head out for the evening.
*This location was brought to you by my ex partner because they were advised that this was one of the BEST areas to stay within New York.*
Whether or not that's true, I have no idea but we wouldn't be staying inside that much, except for sleeping.
That first night, I knew. I knew something was off with them.
And after knowing, living with, and loving someone for almost six years, the "vibes are off" as the kids say nowadays.
Or maybe they don't say that anymore. idk.
It doesn't change the fact that I knew.
I mean being told "I feel like we're roommates" also helps a bit.
Just brush it off. Don't stress about this. This trip will be fun and you'll both have fun.
Okay, first real day in the city and I'm not exhausted.
First things first; coffee from a spot nearby the airbnb. Can't remember the name, but the McDonald's iced coffee I grabbed soon afterward and before riding the subway tasted way better (don't sleep on McD's coffee.)
Met up with a "friend" who decided to be our own little tour guide.
3. Dumbo
“I Only Have Eyes For You” by The Flamingos plays in the background.
Yes, I know that song plays in A Bronx Tale and Dumbo isn't anywhere in the film, but again, this was my "main character" moment. And the song seemed fitting at the time.
But man was I wrong...
This trip is not going how I had hoped..and I knew he was no longer looking at me in adoration. And probably hadn't for quite some time.
Whatever.
Just discretely wipe the tears and keep on walking.
Walk past the East River waterfront, Jane's Carousel and cross over the Brooklyn Bridge
And of course, I somehow found a heart shaped rock (see below).
Which in turn made me cry a bit more, because I could slowly feel my heart breaking.
To which I immediately thought of my co-worker (who collects heart shaped rocks) and just had to take a picture for her. Figured it would make a cute postcard or something.
Okay, enough crying for now. It's time to cross the bridge.
Apart from wandering around in order for the guys to find a specific skate spot (which ended up being closed off for construction), I stumbled upon my second heart of the day.
Now at this point, I decided to view the heart as a "sign" of "everything is going to be alright". And that maybe these hearts were to help "rekindle the love" between my partner and I.
Some more walking and somehow we ended up in Chinatown and the 8. LES (Lower East Side). And before I knew it, our "tour guide" left and we were on our own.
So, I took it upon myself to just keep walking. Since the guys had no idea where to go and were only interested in taking as many pictures as possible, we somehow ended up at...
4. Kat’z Deli
Now, let me tell you that if you want to eat at Kat'z, you'll either need to 1) sign up/make a reservation (because that was a thing apparently), or 2)wait in a line that wraps around the building itself.
Since we weren't in any hurry or had any real plans, I decided to wait in line and potentially eat a pastrami sandwich inside. By myself.
But by the time I made it to the front, I wasn't super hungry and just ended up wanting a hotdog (with everything) and a t-shirt. Maybe it was the sadness of feeling alone on this trip or maybe it was the fact that the sandwich was $25! Or both.
But either way, that hotdog was good.
The day was followed by another night of talking between us. No discussion of what was to happen upon returning home, but I knew.
Another (really early) morning, another iced coffee from McDonald's and another subway ride. My heart was in the pit of my stomach.
5. Coney Island
Maybe it was too early in the morning or maybe it was the interesting subway ride to the pier, but New York was starting to have a bad taste in my mouth. A part of me wished I was already back home. New York was a different breed of city that I don't think I was ready for yet. Oh well..
Even though the pier wasn't fully open yet (in terms of the rides, games and food), I enjoyed watching this borough "wake up" on a Sunday.
The early bird really does get the worm. If I didn't see an older couple jogging/walking along the pier in matching sweats, then it was the occassional single passerby or a single child family, taking pictures together in front of the water.
I wish we could've came here at night, to see the glow of the rides.
Well, it's almost 10, I guess I'll grab a hotdog for breakfast.
OOO, the original Nathan's!
Time to catch another subway.
Headphones in to drown out the voice of someone asking for money.
*insert "Open Arms" by RKCB (demo taped)* for a more immersive experience
Why is he even sitting near me at this point...? It's not like he's going to hold my hand...
Crap,...here come the tears.
Just stare at the wall and try to calm down.
His friend signals him to me crying. GREAT.
"What's wrong? Why are you crying?"
WTF!? Did he really just ask that?
"I'm..just..really..sad..from..last..night.."
"Yeah, me too."
A few stops later, some walking. It's all a blur. Somehow we ventured to Williamsburg.
Followed by another sleepless night with what feels like a ghost.
Morning again and the day is split between visiting a tattoo shop (for our friend) and catching our flight out of JFK.
At this point, I was partially numb.
After what felt like forever trying to locate this one shop (that wasn't even open), I realized where we were.
7. SOHO (South of Houston Street)
Since the shop was closed, we decided to grab some breakfast from a small-ish restaurant and just walk around until we needed to leave for the airport.
I have never done so much gawking through windows at people, in my life.
But it was fine. They didn't know me, I didn't know them.
Airport time.
Only a day closer until we have that talk.
(And I say "a day" because of the time difference from New York to Calfornia via plane)
*Note to self, do not go to JFK unless you have several hours to spare*
Same seat assignment as last time (me by the window, ex in the middle and friend in the aisle) and we're off!
Looking back, my memory of the trip (in part) and the flight back, seem to have almost been erased. Probably supression brought on by my subconscious or something. idk.
But I do remember the days and weeks that followed once we returned home.
The apartment we found and rented (for the first time) earlier last year felt weird. The whole ordeal of what to do felt weird.
Six years of building not just a relationship, but a life with someone was gradually ending.
A lot of crying.
A lot of talks.
A lot of emotional shutdowns.
A lot of talks (again).
A lot of crying (again).
A lot of trying (I suppose).
A lot of realizations.
In retrospect, a year can cause a multitude shifts. (duh.)
I like to think of those shifts (good or bad) as a form of healing, that is brought on by reflection.
A reflection from the inside and from the outside, of my previous relationship. The good and the bad and the inbetween. How myself as not just a partner, but as a single person shifted over six years and shifted once more, following the breakup.
I shifted over six years to become what someone else wanted...what I thought I wanted. Then a year following, I shifted once more to figure out what I wanted. Where I wanted to be. Who I wanted to be.
I know I'm still shifting, healing, reflecting. And I know that'll be the case for a while, but looking back, I didn't think I would be here, typing this for you (or anyone) to read. (And honestly if you've made it this far, I applaud and appreciate you.)
It's wild to see what a year really can bring. And I'm ready for the next one.
Can't wait to see what this next year has in store for you/us. Maybe our own trip to New York!